For posting this, but I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF....
So, my family plays this game where we wear headphones and turn up the music REALLY loud and then sing along in a kareoke machine. Last Christmas, Jared took on Whitney Houston's "And I Will Always Love You"....
The Good part starts about 20 seconds into the video....
ENJOY!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Unavoidable embarassment
As some of you may know, I am a primary teacher for church (ages 5-6). I have about ten kids in my class, all but two of which are usually angels. The other two, I'm pretty sure may grow up to be the next Bonnie & Clyde. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm going to call them during this post.
Anyway, these two were relatively quiet this week during singing time, largely due to the fact that "Bonnie" was blowing on "Clyde" all through singing time. Well, as anyone whose ever sat through a Singing and Sharing Time hour in the LDS Church will tell you, between singing and sharing time there is a 30 second gap where there's mostly just silence. This time is usually filled by sounds of shuffling papers and feet while the sharing time teacher is getting ready to speak. Well.... Yeah... these 30 seconds are the EXACT time that "Clyde" chooses to tell "Bonnie" (with enough volume, I'm sure the relief society across the hall heard it) "'Bonnie' STOP BLOWING ME!!!!"
Yeah... I don't think I've ever seen the Primary Presidency's (not to mention every teacher in the room, plus the chorister and the pianist) heads turn that quickly.
I nearly had to leave the room I was laughing so hard!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Screwing "Me"linda Over....
I often wonder if others out there have this problem. I seem to be an endless stream of dichotomies... For example:
About once a decade (no joke, that is almost the precise amount of time) I get a bizarre and totally inexplicable craving for.... Twinkies...
I know... **I am ashamed** of all things, right? Anyway, so, about once a decade, I get this bizarre craving. So, I have noticed that "At-The-Store-Melinda" somehow frequently screws over "At-Home-Trying-To-Eat-Good-Food-Melinda". And, sadly, whenever I unwrap these lumps of non-food, I am ALWAYS disappointed, somehow I remember them being better 10 years ago....
This is not the only time one of "me" screws another "me" over. This same thing happens almost every day with "Night-Time-Melinda" and "Morning-Melinda". "Night-Time-Melinda" doesn't seem to think that just a few more hours of staying awake is such a big deal... But, she has had this attitude since the day I was born and seems to truly have it in for "Morning-Melinda". So, innevitably, "Morning-Melinda" gets hosed 7 days a week. I don't think that this is a war that will ever be won.
Again, the same types of things happen with "Just-Worked-All-Day-And-I'm-Tired-Melinda" and "My-House-Is-A-Freakin'-Mess-And-I-Need-To-Clean-Melinda"
Also with "I-Need-To-Put-Money-In-Savings-Melinda" and "OH!-Those-Shoes-Are-So-Cute-AND-On-Sale-Melinda"
I'm not sure that I will ever attain true inner-peace... There's just too many Melindas in fighting my head!
About once a decade (no joke, that is almost the precise amount of time) I get a bizarre and totally inexplicable craving for.... Twinkies...
I know... **I am ashamed** of all things, right? Anyway, so, about once a decade, I get this bizarre craving. So, I have noticed that "At-The-Store-Melinda" somehow frequently screws over "At-Home-Trying-To-Eat-Good-Food-Melinda". And, sadly, whenever I unwrap these lumps of non-food, I am ALWAYS disappointed, somehow I remember them being better 10 years ago....
This is not the only time one of "me" screws another "me" over. This same thing happens almost every day with "Night-Time-Melinda" and "Morning-Melinda". "Night-Time-Melinda" doesn't seem to think that just a few more hours of staying awake is such a big deal... But, she has had this attitude since the day I was born and seems to truly have it in for "Morning-Melinda". So, innevitably, "Morning-Melinda" gets hosed 7 days a week. I don't think that this is a war that will ever be won.
Again, the same types of things happen with "Just-Worked-All-Day-And-I'm-Tired-Melinda" and "My-House-Is-A-Freakin'-Mess-And-I-Need-To-Clean-Melinda"
Also with "I-Need-To-Put-Money-In-Savings-Melinda" and "OH!-Those-Shoes-Are-So-Cute-AND-On-Sale-Melinda"
I'm not sure that I will ever attain true inner-peace... There's just too many Melindas in fighting my head!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
You know you are a terrible person when....
When your own Mother tells you so! I just couldn't help myself today! I have this pact with my sister Karen, when I get pregnant, she will be the FIRST person I tell. So, this being April 1st, I text Karen:
"Okay so I always promised that you could be the first to know... How are we going to tell Jared?"
Then, I text my Mom:
"So... Just FYI... Ian is going to have a cousin come November 3rd."
(Yes, I was extra mean by including a very plausible due date)
**************Approximately 20 Minutes Later ***********
*Phone Rings, It's Karen*
Karen: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I've been screaming in my car!
Me: Kar
Karen (over the top of me): YAY I AM SO EXCITED, OMIGOSH,
Me: KAR!
Karen (over the top of me): HOW ARE WE GOING TO TELL JARED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE....
Me: KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know it's April Fool's right?
(Long Pause)
Karen: YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NEVER FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT, YOU ARE AWFUL! THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Karen: **Click**
******Approximately Another 20 Minutes Later **********
*Phone Rings, It's Mom*
Mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN MY BATHROOM FOR 20 MINUTES! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Me: Mom?
Mom (Over the top of me): WHY DID YOU TEXT ME THIS? WHY DIDN'T YOU DRIVE UP HERE AFTER YOUR APPOINTMENT!?!? DOES JARED KNOW?
Me: MOM!
Mom (Over the top of me): Yay! I will have two cute new Grandbabies this year! Oh, and they can play together!!
Me: MOM, MOM? MOM!?!?!?
Mom (Over the top of me): When can we go shopping! Oh, who have told? What is it? Oh, you don't know yet, too early!?!?
My little brother (in the back ground): MOM!?! What the heck are you screaming for?
Mom (to Andrew, my brother): MELINDA'S PREGNANT!!!
Andrew: CONGRATULATIONS MELINDA!!!
Me: MOM! Mom, you know that it's April 1st right?
(Long Pause)
Mom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! THAT IS THE MEANEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? MELINDA!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!
Andrew: What now?
Mom: It's April Fools!
Andrew: OH NICE ONE MELINDA!
Mom: THAT IS NOT NICE, IT IS TERRIBLE, MELINDA YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Seriously though, I thought "why would she text me this?" I was thinking "why wouldn't she just come here and tell me?" Just for the record, don't text me when you really do find out, tell me in person!
Me: hahahahahaha! Okay Mom! I gotta go back to work!
Mom: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOU ARE TERRIBLE, THIS IS NOT FUNNY, I AM REALLY MAD AT YOU!
Me: Didn't you know what day it is? C'mon?
Mom: NO I DID NOT! IT IS SPRING BREAK I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A CALENDAR TODAY!
Me: AWESOME!
Mom: NOT AWESOME! GOOD BYE!
**********Approximately 20 Minutes Ago **************
I get a text from Mom:
"MELINDA IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!!!! POOH ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
**************Approximately 10 Minutes Ago *************
Another text from Mom:
"I feel so inexplicably sad... for one brief shining moment I saw the face of a beatiful brown eyed boy.... sighhhhhhhhhhhhh."
************Just after reading that text*****************
Me: Sigh... no one can guilt-trip you like your own Mother.....
Happy April Fools Everyone!
"Okay so I always promised that you could be the first to know... How are we going to tell Jared?"
Then, I text my Mom:
"So... Just FYI... Ian is going to have a cousin come November 3rd."
(Yes, I was extra mean by including a very plausible due date)
**************Approximately 20 Minutes Later ***********
*Phone Rings, It's Karen*
Karen: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I've been screaming in my car!
Me: Kar
Karen (over the top of me): YAY I AM SO EXCITED, OMIGOSH,
Me: KAR!
Karen (over the top of me): HOW ARE WE GOING TO TELL JARED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE....
Me: KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know it's April Fool's right?
(Long Pause)
Karen: YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NEVER FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT, YOU ARE AWFUL! THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Karen: **Click**
******Approximately Another 20 Minutes Later **********
*Phone Rings, It's Mom*
Mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN MY BATHROOM FOR 20 MINUTES! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Me: Mom?
Mom (Over the top of me): WHY DID YOU TEXT ME THIS? WHY DIDN'T YOU DRIVE UP HERE AFTER YOUR APPOINTMENT!?!? DOES JARED KNOW?
Me: MOM!
Mom (Over the top of me): Yay! I will have two cute new Grandbabies this year! Oh, and they can play together!!
Me: MOM, MOM? MOM!?!?!?
Mom (Over the top of me): When can we go shopping! Oh, who have told? What is it? Oh, you don't know yet, too early!?!?
My little brother (in the back ground): MOM!?! What the heck are you screaming for?
Mom (to Andrew, my brother): MELINDA'S PREGNANT!!!
Andrew: CONGRATULATIONS MELINDA!!!
Me: MOM! Mom, you know that it's April 1st right?
(Long Pause)
Mom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! THAT IS THE MEANEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? MELINDA!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!
Andrew: What now?
Mom: It's April Fools!
Andrew: OH NICE ONE MELINDA!
Mom: THAT IS NOT NICE, IT IS TERRIBLE, MELINDA YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Seriously though, I thought "why would she text me this?" I was thinking "why wouldn't she just come here and tell me?" Just for the record, don't text me when you really do find out, tell me in person!
Me: hahahahahaha! Okay Mom! I gotta go back to work!
Mom: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOU ARE TERRIBLE, THIS IS NOT FUNNY, I AM REALLY MAD AT YOU!
Me: Didn't you know what day it is? C'mon?
Mom: NO I DID NOT! IT IS SPRING BREAK I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A CALENDAR TODAY!
Me: AWESOME!
Mom: NOT AWESOME! GOOD BYE!
**********Approximately 20 Minutes Ago **************
I get a text from Mom:
"MELINDA IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!!!! POOH ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
**************Approximately 10 Minutes Ago *************
Another text from Mom:
"I feel so inexplicably sad... for one brief shining moment I saw the face of a beatiful brown eyed boy.... sighhhhhhhhhhhhh."
************Just after reading that text*****************
Me: Sigh... no one can guilt-trip you like your own Mother.....
Happy April Fools Everyone!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
No Good Deed....
Yesterday started out okay, just a few minor catastrophes at work. You know, the usual. Then, after work, Jared and I went to help my sister on a project. Now, I can't say what type of project this is, since it's a surprise for a family member. Anyway, suffice to say that this project is one of those young-women-y types of projects, one that no straight man would volunteer for. But, my great hubby was talked into coming and helping! I'm sure he'd rather have gone home and watched a basketball game, but the lovely person that he is, he came and was a HUGE help!!
Anyway, we ended up being at my sisters house for about four hours (about two hours longer than I expected!). On the way home, we had to stop to get my car since Jared and I car-pooled up to my sisters house. Once we had my car, we took the back roads (they're usually faster). While driving down the darkened back road, I hear this very loud POP then THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP! **Son-ov-a** **D%^& IT** **G-r-e-a-t!** **Roll Eyes** **Pull Over**
Jared, who was in front of me, turns around, parks behind me and gallantly comes to my rescue! He changes the tire in about 7 minutes flat, lets the car down off the jack and proceeds to finish tightening the lugnuts (is that one word?). As he's doing so, his hand slips on the tire iron, which apparently had a small nick in it which was quite sharp. **GASH!** **Blood flowing freely from finger** **Son-ov-a** **D%^& IT** **G-r-e-a-t!**
We get a clean cloth Jared happened to have in his car, wrap up his finger, put my tire back in the trunk and drive home. Upon arrival at home, I note that Jared has been bleeding quite profusely the entire way. So, we clean out the battle wound, glue the finger shut (as it wasn't deep enough for real stitches), neosporen and bandage it.
This ^^ ladies and gentlemen is a perfect example why you should NEVER offer to do anything nice for anyone...
You'll end up bored, bloody and dead tired the next day...
However, I am SO happy that I have a hubby willing to be bored, kept up late and injure himself in order to take care of me and my sister! Thanks Jar, I love ya!
Anyway, we ended up being at my sisters house for about four hours (about two hours longer than I expected!). On the way home, we had to stop to get my car since Jared and I car-pooled up to my sisters house. Once we had my car, we took the back roads (they're usually faster). While driving down the darkened back road, I hear this very loud POP then THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP! **Son-ov-a** **D%^& IT** **G-r-e-a-t!** **Roll Eyes** **Pull Over**
Jared, who was in front of me, turns around, parks behind me and gallantly comes to my rescue! He changes the tire in about 7 minutes flat, lets the car down off the jack and proceeds to finish tightening the lugnuts (is that one word?). As he's doing so, his hand slips on the tire iron, which apparently had a small nick in it which was quite sharp. **GASH!** **Blood flowing freely from finger** **Son-ov-a** **D%^& IT** **G-r-e-a-t!**
We get a clean cloth Jared happened to have in his car, wrap up his finger, put my tire back in the trunk and drive home. Upon arrival at home, I note that Jared has been bleeding quite profusely the entire way. So, we clean out the battle wound, glue the finger shut (as it wasn't deep enough for real stitches), neosporen and bandage it.
This ^^ ladies and gentlemen is a perfect example why you should NEVER offer to do anything nice for anyone...
You'll end up bored, bloody and dead tired the next day...
However, I am SO happy that I have a hubby willing to be bored, kept up late and injure himself in order to take care of me and my sister! Thanks Jar, I love ya!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dear Starbucks
Dear Starbucks Venti Cafe Mocha....
I know it's sinful to drink you... I know it's sinful to covet you... But, you SAVE my life on ridiculously early mornings such as this... So I forgive you for being the fruit of the poisonous tree.
Very Truly Yours,
Melinda
I know it's sinful to drink you... I know it's sinful to covet you... But, you SAVE my life on ridiculously early mornings such as this... So I forgive you for being the fruit of the poisonous tree.
Very Truly Yours,
Melinda
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Things I WISH I could say to clients, but really, really can't:
Client #1:
Me: I told you that you could only call outside your appointed time if there was an EMERGENCY! What did I tell you constitutes an emergency?
Client #1: Large Meteoroid, Severe Blood Loss and uh... what was the other one again?
Me: DEATH! And you are NOT dead, call back at your APPOINTED TIME!!!!!!!!!
(This exchange is thanks to the movie Two Weeks Notice)
Clients #2-7:
STOP BREAKING THE LAW AND YOU WILL STOP GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!
Client #8:
Honestly, we cannot defend you properly if you LIE to us! HINT: We get paid either way (if you did it or NOT) so just tell us the truth, 'cause it's gonna come out in court ANYWAY!
Client #9:
Yes, you're getting divorced, yes it sucks, but clearly neither of you can keep your pants on, as evidenced by the fact that only ONE of your SEVEN children is ACTUALLY your husband's biological child. Suck it up, Zip it up, and MOVE ON!
Client #10:
Swallowing nearly a pound of drugs in front of an Officer during a routine traffic stop IS going to raise some flags for that Officer. And, yes, it will probably make you sick and yes, the officer will probably take you to jail, then the hospital... after he stops laughing.
Client #11:
Yes, living with your EX-spouse for 12 weeks AFTER your divorce has been finalized IS weird. So MOVE OUT!
Ah... boy that feels better!
Me: I told you that you could only call outside your appointed time if there was an EMERGENCY! What did I tell you constitutes an emergency?
Client #1: Large Meteoroid, Severe Blood Loss and uh... what was the other one again?
Me: DEATH! And you are NOT dead, call back at your APPOINTED TIME!!!!!!!!!
(This exchange is thanks to the movie Two Weeks Notice)
Clients #2-7:
STOP BREAKING THE LAW AND YOU WILL STOP GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!
Client #8:
Honestly, we cannot defend you properly if you LIE to us! HINT: We get paid either way (if you did it or NOT) so just tell us the truth, 'cause it's gonna come out in court ANYWAY!
Client #9:
Yes, you're getting divorced, yes it sucks, but clearly neither of you can keep your pants on, as evidenced by the fact that only ONE of your SEVEN children is ACTUALLY your husband's biological child. Suck it up, Zip it up, and MOVE ON!
Client #10:
Swallowing nearly a pound of drugs in front of an Officer during a routine traffic stop IS going to raise some flags for that Officer. And, yes, it will probably make you sick and yes, the officer will probably take you to jail, then the hospital... after he stops laughing.
Client #11:
Yes, living with your EX-spouse for 12 weeks AFTER your divorce has been finalized IS weird. So MOVE OUT!
Ah... boy that feels better!
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