Things I WISH I could say to clients, but really, really can't:

Client #1:
Me: I told you that you could only call outside your appointed time if there was an EMERGENCY! What did I tell you constitutes an emergency?

Client #1: Large Meteoroid, Severe Blood Loss and uh... what was the other one again?

Me: DEATH! And you are NOT dead, call back at your APPOINTED TIME!!!!!!!!!
(This exchange is thanks to the movie Two Weeks Notice)

Clients #2-7:
STOP BREAKING THE LAW AND YOU WILL STOP GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

Client #8:
Honestly, we cannot defend you properly if you LIE to us! HINT: We get paid either way (if you did it or NOT) so just tell us the truth, 'cause it's gonna come out in court ANYWAY!

Client #9:
Yes, you're getting divorced, yes it sucks, but clearly neither of you can keep your pants on, as evidenced by the fact that only ONE of your SEVEN children is ACTUALLY your husband's biological child. Suck it up, Zip it up, and MOVE ON!

Client #10:
Swallowing nearly a pound of drugs in front of an Officer during a routine traffic stop IS going to raise some flags for that Officer. And, yes, it will probably make you sick and yes, the officer will probably take you to jail, then the hospital... after he stops laughing.

Client #11:
Yes, living with your EX-spouse for 12 weeks AFTER your divorce has been finalized IS weird. So MOVE OUT!

Ah... boy that feels better!