Things I WISH I could say to clients, but really, really can't:

Client #1:
Me: I told you that you could only call outside your appointed time if there was an EMERGENCY! What did I tell you constitutes an emergency?

Client #1: Large Meteoroid, Severe Blood Loss and uh... what was the other one again?

Me: DEATH! And you are NOT dead, call back at your APPOINTED TIME!!!!!!!!!
(This exchange is thanks to the movie Two Weeks Notice)

Clients #2-7:
STOP BREAKING THE LAW AND YOU WILL STOP GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

Client #8:
Honestly, we cannot defend you properly if you LIE to us! HINT: We get paid either way (if you did it or NOT) so just tell us the truth, 'cause it's gonna come out in court ANYWAY!

Client #9:
Yes, you're getting divorced, yes it sucks, but clearly neither of you can keep your pants on, as evidenced by the fact that only ONE of your SEVEN children is ACTUALLY your husband's biological child. Suck it up, Zip it up, and MOVE ON!

Client #10:
Swallowing nearly a pound of drugs in front of an Officer during a routine traffic stop IS going to raise some flags for that Officer. And, yes, it will probably make you sick and yes, the officer will probably take you to jail, then the hospital... after he stops laughing.

Client #11:
Yes, living with your EX-spouse for 12 weeks AFTER your divorce has been finalized IS weird. So MOVE OUT!

Ah... boy that feels better!

The Adventures of a Paralegal....

I have to say, my job has certainly taken on a life of its own... I know most people blog about their kids and families, and I guess that's usually what I blog about. However, my job has taken a rather interesting turn in the last few months, so I thought I'd share a few of the more... interesting things about it.

Before I start my stories:

First, our other paralegal (I think she's a paralegal because of the work she does, she says the work she does isn't "real" paralegal work) does almost exclusively PI (Personal Injury) work. She is REALLY good at it too. I on the other hand, have a few PI cases but the majority (and I mean about 55%) of what I do is... hold onto your socks.... Criminal Defense. That's right... Criminal Defense.

Second, when I was going to school, I knew that it was a near innevitability to get thorugh my career as a paralegal without doing SOME form of criminal defense work. However, this REALLY stressed me out because I was certain that I would have some HUGE moral break down having to defend "criminals." I especially worried about how I would handle defending sex criminals, especially those accused of sex crimes against children. I just knew that I would freak out and not be able to work the cases, it actually kept me up at night!

Third, in opposition to popular belief Jail DOES NOT EQUAL Prison. The difference? Usually, the difference is whether or not you've been sentenced. If you are awaiting trial, you are in JAIL. If you have been CONVICTED, you are in PRISON. Please, keep in mind that when I tell my stories, these are people who have not been convicted of anything, and in more than one case (I believe) are actually, comopletely innocent.

SERIOUS STORY

Okay, keeping those things in mind... I have had to "visit" the Utah County Jail (pictured below) at LEAST once a week for the last 3 months. Why? Oh, because I have to keep our clients informed, which (about once a week) requires taking them documents, having them sign documents or getting sworn statements from them.

The first time I had to go to meet a client I was scared to death! I didn't know what to expect or to say other than "Hi, so... you're in jail, how's that workin' out for ya?" But, much to my surprise, every client I've met with has been impressively meek, honest, humble and most of all incredibly grateful. Every single one has been so appreciateve of the fact that we're willing to help them (even though it's for a reasonable fee). There's one particular client who is there for a sex offense, worse, against a child. I was terrified that I would meet him and unconsciously judge him BEFORE I met him. However, I sat and interviewed him for over an hour. When we were done, he looked me right in the eyes and said "You know, Melinda, in the 12 months since I was accused, you and Marshall (the Attorney) have been the only two people who have looked me in the eye and not had an accusatory look on their face, calling me a monster."

After I walked out of the jail that day, I got to my car and had an enormous wave of gratitude wash over me. First, because there's been nothing in my life that has made me appreciate my freedom more than visiting the jail on a regular basis. I catch myself thinking -- as I fold my laundry, watch my favorite TV shows, walk my dog or even make boring spaghetti -- that I am SO grateful that I have the FREEDOM to CHOOSE to do those things. What dinner to make, what shows to watch, when to do my laundry, not one of our clients in jail have that freedom. The gratitude I felt was also for the powers that be giving me the ability to NOT pre-judge this person. I cannot tell you how much I DESPISE those types of crimes. I have a very personal vendetta against child molestors. However, that day, I was miraculously able to meet with this man, hear his side of the story, and actually, truly, down to my core, BELIEVE what he said. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

FUNNY STORY

About three months ago, I had this bizzarre phone call... It was a man (I'll call him Mr. X), who said he needed a MALE (his emphasis, not mine) attorney and he needed some criminal defense for a misdemeanor. "Fine" I said and made the appointment. When this man came in, he would NOT look me in the eye. He just stared at the floor. So, he has his meeting with Marshall, during which he decides to retain our office. Since I am the only paralegal in the office who knows how to do criminal defense work, Marshall calls me in and introduces me to Mr. X.

Marshall then says "Mr. X, just so you're aware, the policy of client confidentiality applies to Melinda as well. Melinda, I know that in the course of most cases we provide the client with every SCRAP of documentation we have. However, for Mr. X's case, we will not be sending him ANYTHING, do you understand."

Me: "Of course, I understand."

Marshall: "Also, we will not be calling Mr. X at his home number, just call his cell phone, leave your name and say Witt & Associates and hang up the phone."

Me (with an inquisitive / weirded out look on my face): "Okay."

Marshall: "Thank you, could you please copy these for our file?"

Me: "Sure thing"

So, I take these documents in to copy them, one of which is the citation you are issued by the police (It looks very much like a traffic ticket). On it is very clearly printed "Patornizing a Prostitute." So... come to find out, Mr. X responded to a posting on Craigslist which, after reading it was pretty obviously for a prostitute. Like, I could see if you were dumb as a box of rocks that you might think it was for a sensual massage as Mr. X claimed... but really dude? A massage? Anyway... so, about two weeks later we get the police report and a copy of the SURVEILANCE TAPE! Oh dear... this guy, caught red handed in a sting operation and the first thing he told the cops: I'll sign a promise to appear if you don't tell my wife or my bishop. Sigh... that's not all, come to find out that he has a son on a mission, is a Stake Young Men's President... and.... WAIT FOR IT.... IS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR BY TRADE!!!!!

Sigh, I just couldn't stop laughing... what an idiot! So, to sum up the last few things my job has taught me:

1) Be grateful for your freedom to choose.

2) I am so relieved that I can look upon someone in jail, without judging them immediately.

3) Truth is funnier than fiction. If you don't believe me, pick up a few police reports, they make for entertaining reading!