IN-EFFING-FURIATING!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Okay... so... I had an appointment with my ENT two days before I ended the Prednisone round.... GREAT NEWS: My hearing was **almost** completely back to normal!  I was still down in the "abnormal" range for low and high tones, but not too far away from normal range.... SO, my ENT and I agreed that I'd finish out the round of prednisone and hopefully the rest would be history... problem solved...  he scheduled another appointment on the 22nd, just in case.  And then said to call if it got worse so we could do a shorter, hard and fast batch of Prednisone.

So... the day after I finish the Prednisone, I get this incredibly high-pitched ringing in my left ear... I go to my work, pick up the hand-held phone and what-do-ya-know.... funny sounding dial tone and that's right, no tones when I punch the different numbers... SO... not ONLY am I back to square one, but NOW I have this TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS CONSTANT ringing in my left ear....  So... back on the Prednisone I go... and 5 days in - NO CHANGE!  I'm pretty sure that on my last round of Prednisone I'd noticed a difference by now.  This is SOOOOOOOOOOO frustraing!!!! 

What did I do to deserve this????  I can't hear Christmas music like I normally can... It makes me VERY annoyed to know that I'm missing sounds.... The Prednisone is starting to mess with my mood AND the stupid heartburn and CONSTANT ringing noise keeps me up half the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sigh...

This sucks.  I'm terrified that this ringing is permanent... and I might never enjoy the sound of silence ever again.

Perspective: Billions of people have worse problems.  It's liveable, annoying, frustrating and depressing but liveable...

Sigh... sorry to all who I've been short with the last few weeks... I'm tired, hopped up on steroids and stressed.  I hope this is just a stress/virus thing that will go away eventually.  If not, I hope I learn to be at peace with it, soon. 

Results

THE GOOD NEWS:

It's NOT a tumor!!!


THE BAD NEWS:

We don't know what it is....  I'm going to finish this round of prednisone and then talk to my Doctor again.  At this point, I'm just so relieved that it's not a tumor and that I only have to take prednisone for two weeks that everything seems to be in a better perspective. 

The prednisone is wreaking serious havoc on my digestive system though... seriously!  I've never understood the big deal about heart burn until now... OUCH!

The MRI

Thank heavens for the timers on the front of those machines!  I was terrified that I'd have a total claustrophobic episode.  But they have a little mirror in there so you can see out to the booth and in the reflection of the booth, you can read the reflection of the countdown on the front of the machine.  The lady who ran it was really nice too, she talked to me for quite some time and totally calmed me down.  It ended up not being so terrible.  Just boring and loud.

But, as the tech told me "The only reason they run MRI's for hearing loss is in case there is a tumor or a blood clot putting pressure on your auditory nerves."  So, now I'm just worrying that I have a brain tumor....  Of all the things I never thought I'd be worrying about....  I should have results by Tuesday at the latest.  I will keep you posted.  I'm sure it's nothing that serious.

Umm.... THAT'S NOT NORMAL....

About 3 days ago I noticed that my hearing was a little off.  I picked up my desk phone at work to dial a number and noticed that in my left ear, the dial tone sounded wrong... muffled and about two octaves lower that normal.  Also, when I punched the different numbers, I couldn't hear the different tones.  So, I went to my ENT (otolaryngologist) whom I've had since about the age of 3 (I had a TON of ear infections as a little one).  I was SURE that he would look in my ear and say "Yep, you've got a bunch of wax or water in there, let me clean it out and you'll be fine."  Nope, he said there was nothing there, and didn't look infected. 

"Um.... okay...."   After about two hours of testing with an audiologist... I have apparently lost about 60 decibles worth of hearing in my left ear alone (I'm now WAY below normal).  The research and the Dr. said that this condition (Sudden Onset Hearing Loss), about half the time, goes away on its own in a few weeks while taking steroids.  Some people have something pushing on their nerve, so he ordered an MRI.  I've never had one of those... I have one at 3:00 today... kinda scared...

Anyway, The for the other half of patients....  THE HEARING NEVER COMES BACK AND NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN WHY!  So... I'm now partially deaf and it may never come back!?!?!?!  I know I shouldn't FREAK out until the prednisone has had time to work, but... seriously?  NEVER?  NO EXPLAINATION? 

Okay... perspective... I can still hear quite well in my right ear, I'm not totally deaf and can function....  There's billions of people in the world with worse problems than this......

My problems aren't so bad...  it's livable, annoying and depressing, but livable....

Sorry, had to vent some anxiety, fear, paranoia, fear, more paranoia and some depression...

Thanks!

In not-so-recent news 2.0

Sorry again… It’s been a lousy couple of months and I didn’t feel like posting anything while I was in a bad mood. Granted there were some great things that happened in the last few months, but the bad somehow seems to always overshadow the good. Well…. To sum up in pictures here’s a re-cap of the last few months:

July 19 - My 26^th Birthday

Seriously? I’m 26? How did that happen?

July 22 – August 13 – Jared in Singapore

Jared said Singapore was AMAZING! He actually got used to the nearly 100% humidity. He said it was beautiful there and wonderful to have an immersion experience in a different culture. He said the people were absolutely wonderful!  Maybe someday we’ll go visit together.  He also got to see Slash in concert while he was there!

July 25 – Grandpa D Passed Away

Yes, for those of you looking at these dates, Jared left the 22^nd, my Grandpa D passed away 3 days later. Jared and I both knew when he got on the plane that this was a distinct probability. Still, I wished he could have been here. It really sucks not having your husbands shoulder to cry on.   Jared was also supposed to be a pallbearer, and felt horrible for not being here for that.  The funeral was beautiful though, and I am so grateful that he is out of pain and in a better place. Still, we all miss him dearly and feel the void his passing has left behind.  Love you Grandpa D!

July 29 – August 6 – Painting Project

In order to deal with loss, I believe it is therapeutic to have a project that demands physical labor. I always tend to lose sleep after I find out a loved one has passed, even if I saw it coming. Working your body really hard insures that at the end of the night, my body is so tired; my mind has no opportunity to race when I lie in bed. I didn’t get to the dresser (which is currently occupying valuable garage space) but, I did repaint my master bed and bath. I will post before and after pictures soon....

Tips for painting a room alone:

#1 – DON’T, just DON’T! (You’ll think it’s easy enough to handle by yourself… and then your 2-day project turns into 7 days and you wind up sleeping on the guest bed for a week.) 

#2 – Bar stools are NOT comparable replacements for step ladders.

August 8- August 13 – Aspen Grove

For those of you not familiar with Aspen Grove, it is a wonderful place, run by BYU Alumni Association. It is a place where people with very large (or very small) extended families can all gather together and have a blast! My mom’s family (her immediate family and their kids) have all gathered at this place several times in the past. Every time we go (she has seven siblings and as a result I have 30+ cousins, plus their spouses, plus their kids) we have an INCREDIBLE time! I never leave that place without knowing I’ve made memories I’ll cherish forever. 

Ah, Aspen Grove, how I love thee, let me count the ways:

Hiking

Biking

Swimming

Fishing

All meals taken care of!

Pottery

Tennis

Basketball

Racquet ball

Badminton

Horseshoes

EXTENDED FAMILY TIME!!!

**Jared had our camera while he was away, so I don't have pics of Aspen Grove from our camera**

September 9 – Our 6^th Anniversary

No pictures of this either, but Jared took me out to Chef’s Table. It was wonderful!!

4-Wheeling

My parents, my sister Karen, Jared and I went 4-wheeling in San Pete. It was beautiful and SO much fun!

September 22 -- Andy gets his mission call!!!

I can NOT believe my brother is old enough to be going on a mission! *sniff, sniff* Here's a picture of him opening his call, it is tradition in our extended family to wait and surprise everyone at once... the BEST was my Mom's reaction (she sat for a solid 3 minutes with this half-smile half-horrified look!  PRICELESS)!  Anyway, he'll be off to North Mexico City in Febraury!

September 29 – Present – Flooring (AKA the NEVERENDING PROJECT!)

Bless Jared’s heart for doing all this work. I wish I could say I helped, but I was busy working and preparing and helping at the Night of the Running Dead. Our brother-in-law Jeff came down from Idaho to help too! THANKS JEFF!!! When all the flooring was in, Jared decided that we JUST COULDN’T put the old couches back in the house because they were now full of sawdust (from cutting up the floor pieces). Thus, we ended up buying new couches. Then, we decided we couldn’t let the dog on the new couches so he needed a new bed. Sigh…. To quote Dar Williams “The building is done, but the work’s never through.”  Here's a before of the kitchen, where Hades had torn up some of the linoleum...  and the front room after.  The kitchen now has the same new flooring as the living room (pictured below with the new couches and rug).

October 2 – Night of the Running Dead!

My friend Craig (whom I’ve mentioned before and is pictured below) had a dream of creating a haunted house. I’d talked to him about it years ago and always told him if he needed help I would be there in a SECOND, just to help be a part of the fun. But, when a bad Facebook joke kept evolving, he instead organized and carried into fruition a 5k race called “The Night of the Running Dead.” Kudos to Craig for making this event SO memorable and SOOOO much fun! The thing that made this 5k so unique is that half the racers were given a 1 minute head-start and they were classified as “survivors” the other half of course, were “zombies”. If you were a survivor who came in behind the first zombie to cross the finish line, you were considered “eaten” at the end of the race. There were actors along the course route to keep the creepy atmosphere going too. It was GREAT! I can’t wait for next year!

October 22 - Justin's Birthday Dinner!

We had dinner with Heidi and Justin to celebrate Justin's B-day! Sorry Justin, I had to! It's just too good a pic not to post!!

October 31 - HALLOWEEN!

I was boring this year... No costume and Jared refused so... I carved both pumpkins...

The Good, The Very Bad and The Insane!

THE GOOD:

Owen Douglas Felts - My older sister had her second baby! Cute little bounder!

Birthdays – Ian turned 2! I know it’s terrible of me to spoil this kid like I do, but he’s got me wrapped around his finger, and I LOVE IT! Every time he says “Pweese Ninna!?!” my resolve melts and I collapse like an umbrella. So, much to the annoyance (and frequently the ignorance) of his parents, I just WON’T say no!

Karen, my sister had her birthday too! I love her guts!!

My Grandma Ruth had her 86^th birthday too, we had a BIG family get together but I forgot my camera that day so this is one from my brother's graduation dinner.

Bug's Graduation - My little brother, the baby of our family, graduated from High School. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I’m happy for him that he never has to go back to Alta again, sad because I can no longer deny that he is grown up. My parent's took us all to Market Street Grill to celebrate!

Heidi’s Wedding! – Congratulations Schmeidles and Justin!!! I couldn’t be happier for you!!! You are both wonderful!

THE VERY BAD:

Cancer - Over Memorial Day weekend, we found out that my Dad's Dad, my Grandpa D has cancer... In the Doctor’s own words “It’s everywhere.” We're not sure he'll see the end of July.... The same day, we found out that my Mom’s Mom has got metastatic cancer in her liver. Her prognosis is not as bad, but is still terminal. My family and I have been spending as much time with Grandpa D as possible and my Grandma Ruth is living with my parents during treatment. This has hit my parents pretty hard. While I am still in denial that one day I will lose MY parents, the excruciating pain that I see in them, realizing they are losing their parents is undeniable and most of the time, unbearable. The only things that I have found consoling during this time have been that: (1) knowing their prognoses has allowed everyone to say their goodbyes, which I consider to be a direct gift from God. Having someone go suddenly and leaving things unsaid has been, in my experience, the worst part of death. And (2) both of my grandparents seem to have completely come to terms with the fact that they’re “graduating.” My Grandma Ruth even told one of her physicians “It’s okay honey, I never expected to live this long anyway!”

Singapore - For anyone who has known me at all over the last few years, you will know that Jared's work has been playing him like a yo-yo. They keep saying they might send him to Singapore to help get their new plant up and running. Well, they've been "threatening" to do this for years. So, when there’s this type of talk, I usually just roll my eyes. But, in the last few weeks they've been getting pretty darn serious about it. Jared now has a confirmed seat on a flight leaving July 22^nd. He will be gone “a minimum of three weeks.” While this just plain sucks, it is good that his work needs him as much as they do, especially in this economy. So, if anyone is bored during the weeks after July 22^nd, give me a call!

THE INSANE:

Family Reunion - Jared’s family (his brother, sisters, their kids and his parents = 27 people) have a bi-annual reunion. The reunion planning responsibility rotates between each individual family member. When I say this, I mean, the individual plans: the location, the activities, the food and the budget… for all 27… for a week! Well, this time it was OUR turn to plan… aka MY turn to plan. So, I’ve been planning this thing for two years. The food, the budget, the location, the itinerary and activities were all planned.

But, since NOTHING in my life seems to be working right these days… What happens exactly 10 days before the reunion is to commence? I get a phone call from the cabin owner saying “Oh, sorry, we’ve run into a problem with the County Inspectors Office, and can no longer rent to you.” WHAT!?!?!? So, yeah, we (the entire family) scramble to find a new location. We end up in a completely different State (Vail, CO as opposed to Ashton, ID) and with our itinerary pretty much blown since two of the days we were planning on being in Yellowstone. So… yeah, we pretty much just played the entire thing by ear and at the drop of a hat. It was a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants operation and was, in my opinion, fun, but a bit of a disaster. Needless to say, when it is my turn to do this thing again in 12 years, I may consider divorcing Jared; it would be WAY less work! But it looks like the kids had fun, right?

Yard – Jared has been promising me since we moved into our house that we could re-vamp the front yard. Mostly because the front planter beds looked like they’d been planned, developed and built by retarded monkeys. I’ve had in my mind what I’ve wanted to do for quite some time. However, we’ve never had the money to do that. But, we scrimped and saved and finally had the money to do this. So, after a lot of money and back-breaking labor, we moved all of the slate from the front yard and turned it into a nice little side-garden. Then took the new brick and put in a (hopefully) much improved retaining wall. I know it doesn’t look like much yet, but when I till the soil and get my plants put in, it will look better, I promise!

Restoring the Dresser - While Jared is gone, this is going to be my project. Unfortunately, this thing has been my project for about 6 years. Yes, I am a procrastinator! But, hopefully with Jared gone, I will have some spare time to restore this old thing. I know what you’re thinking: “Melinda, why in the heck don’t you just buy a nice, new dresser? That would be WAY easier and probably cheaper than trying to restore this old thing that has 90 bazillion layers of paint.” The only reason I’m spending so much time and effort on it, is that it was built by my Grandpa D’s father. This makes it more sentimentally valuable than monetarily, especially now.

Well, that's about all for now! Love to all!

I am a terrible, terrible wife

For posting this, but I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF....

So, my family plays this game where we wear headphones and turn up the music REALLY loud and then sing along in a kareoke machine. Last Christmas, Jared took on Whitney Houston's "And I Will Always Love You"....

The Good part starts about 20 seconds into the video....


ENJOY!

Unavoidable embarassment

As some of you may know, I am a primary teacher for church (ages 5-6). I have about ten kids in my class, all but two of which are usually angels. The other two, I'm pretty sure may grow up to be the next Bonnie & Clyde. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm going to call them during this post.

Anyway, these two were relatively quiet this week during singing time, largely due to the fact that "Bonnie" was blowing on "Clyde" all through singing time. Well, as anyone whose ever sat through a Singing and Sharing Time hour in the LDS Church will tell you, between singing and sharing time there is a 30 second gap where there's mostly just silence. This time is usually filled by sounds of shuffling papers and feet while the sharing time teacher is getting ready to speak. Well.... Yeah... these 30 seconds are the EXACT time that "Clyde" chooses to tell "Bonnie" (with enough volume, I'm sure the relief society across the hall heard it) "'Bonnie' STOP BLOWING ME!!!!"

Yeah... I don't think I've ever seen the Primary Presidency's (not to mention every teacher in the room, plus the chorister and the pianist) heads turn that quickly.

I nearly had to leave the room I was laughing so hard!

Screwing "Me"linda Over....

I often wonder if others out there have this problem. I seem to be an endless stream of dichotomies... For example:

About once a decade (no joke, that is almost the precise amount of time) I get a bizarre and totally inexplicable craving for.... Twinkies...




I know... **I am ashamed** of all things, right? Anyway, so, about once a decade, I get this bizarre craving. So, I have noticed that "At-The-Store-Melinda" somehow frequently screws over "At-Home-Trying-To-Eat-Good-Food-Melinda". And, sadly, whenever I unwrap these lumps of non-food, I am ALWAYS disappointed, somehow I remember them being better 10 years ago....

This is not the only time one of "me" screws another "me" over. This same thing happens almost every day with "Night-Time-Melinda" and "Morning-Melinda". "Night-Time-Melinda" doesn't seem to think that just a few more hours of staying awake is such a big deal... But, she has had this attitude since the day I was born and seems to truly have it in for "Morning-Melinda". So, innevitably, "Morning-Melinda" gets hosed 7 days a week. I don't think that this is a war that will ever be won.

Again, the same types of things happen with "Just-Worked-All-Day-And-I'm-Tired-Melinda" and "My-House-Is-A-Freakin'-Mess-And-I-Need-To-Clean-Melinda"

Also with "I-Need-To-Put-Money-In-Savings-Melinda" and "OH!-Those-Shoes-Are-So-Cute-AND-On-Sale-Melinda"

I'm not sure that I will ever attain true inner-peace... There's just too many Melindas in fighting my head!

You know you are a terrible person when....

When your own Mother tells you so! I just couldn't help myself today! I have this pact with my sister Karen, when I get pregnant, she will be the FIRST person I tell. So, this being April 1st, I text Karen:

"Okay so I always promised that you could be the first to know... How are we going to tell Jared?"


Then, I text my Mom:

"So... Just FYI... Ian is going to have a cousin come November 3rd."

(Yes, I was extra mean by including a very plausible due date)

**************Approximately 20 Minutes Later ***********

*Phone Rings, It's Karen*

Karen: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I've been screaming in my car!

Me: Kar

Karen (over the top of me): YAY I AM SO EXCITED, OMIGOSH,

Me: KAR!

Karen (over the top of me): HOW ARE WE GOING TO TELL JARED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE....

Me: KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know it's April Fool's right?

(Long Pause)

Karen: YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NEVER FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT, YOU ARE AWFUL! THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Karen: **Click**

******Approximately Another 20 Minutes Later **********

*Phone Rings, It's Mom*

Mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN MY BATHROOM FOR 20 MINUTES! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Me: Mom?

Mom (Over the top of me): WHY DID YOU TEXT ME THIS? WHY DIDN'T YOU DRIVE UP HERE AFTER YOUR APPOINTMENT!?!? DOES JARED KNOW?

Me: MOM!

Mom (Over the top of me): Yay! I will have two cute new Grandbabies this year! Oh, and they can play together!!

Me: MOM, MOM? MOM!?!?!?

Mom (Over the top of me): When can we go shopping! Oh, who have told? What is it? Oh, you don't know yet, too early!?!?

My little brother (in the back ground): MOM!?! What the heck are you screaming for?

Mom (to Andrew, my brother): MELINDA'S PREGNANT!!!

Andrew: CONGRATULATIONS MELINDA!!!

Me: MOM! Mom, you know that it's April 1st right?

(Long Pause)

Mom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! THAT IS THE MEANEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? MELINDA!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!

Andrew: What now?

Mom: It's April Fools!

Andrew: OH NICE ONE MELINDA!

Mom: THAT IS NOT NICE, IT IS TERRIBLE, MELINDA YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Mom: Seriously though, I thought "why would she text me this?" I was thinking "why wouldn't she just come here and tell me?" Just for the record, don't text me when you really do find out, tell me in person!

Me: hahahahahaha! Okay Mom! I gotta go back to work!

Mom: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOU ARE TERRIBLE, THIS IS NOT FUNNY, I AM REALLY MAD AT YOU!

Me: Didn't you know what day it is? C'mon?

Mom: NO I DID NOT! IT IS SPRING BREAK I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A CALENDAR TODAY!

Me: AWESOME!

Mom: NOT AWESOME! GOOD BYE!

**********Approximately 20 Minutes Ago **************

I get a text from Mom:

"MELINDA IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!!!! POOH ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



**************Approximately 10 Minutes Ago *************

Another text from Mom:

"I feel so inexplicably sad... for one brief shining moment I saw the face of a beatiful brown eyed boy.... sighhhhhhhhhhhhh."


************Just after reading that text*****************

Me: Sigh... no one can guilt-trip you like your own Mother.....


Happy April Fools Everyone!

No Good Deed....

Yesterday started out okay, just a few minor catastrophes at work. You know, the usual. Then, after work, Jared and I went to help my sister on a project. Now, I can't say what type of project this is, since it's a surprise for a family member. Anyway, suffice to say that this project is one of those young-women-y types of projects, one that no straight man would volunteer for. But, my great hubby was talked into coming and helping! I'm sure he'd rather have gone home and watched a basketball game, but the lovely person that he is, he came and was a HUGE help!!

Anyway, we ended up being at my sisters house for about four hours (about two hours longer than I expected!). On the way home, we had to stop to get my car since Jared and I car-pooled up to my sisters house. Once we had my car, we took the back roads (they're usually faster). While driving down the darkened back road, I hear this very loud POP then THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP! **Son-ov-a** **D%^& IT** **G-r-e-a-t!** **Roll Eyes** **Pull Over**

Jared, who was in front of me, turns around, parks behind me and gallantly comes to my rescue! He changes the tire in about 7 minutes flat, lets the car down off the jack and proceeds to finish tightening the lugnuts (is that one word?). As he's doing so, his hand slips on the tire iron, which apparently had a small nick in it which was quite sharp. **GASH!** **Blood flowing freely from finger** **Son-ov-a** **D%^& IT** **G-r-e-a-t!**

We get a clean cloth Jared happened to have in his car, wrap up his finger, put my tire back in the trunk and drive home. Upon arrival at home, I note that Jared has been bleeding quite profusely the entire way. So, we clean out the battle wound, glue the finger shut (as it wasn't deep enough for real stitches), neosporen and bandage it.

This ^^ ladies and gentlemen is a perfect example why you should NEVER offer to do anything nice for anyone...

You'll end up bored, bloody and dead tired the next day...

However, I am SO happy that I have a hubby willing to be bored, kept up late and injure himself in order to take care of me and my sister! Thanks Jar, I love ya!

Dear Starbucks

Dear Starbucks Venti Cafe Mocha....

I know it's sinful to drink you... I know it's sinful to covet you... But, you SAVE my life on ridiculously early mornings such as this... So I forgive you for being the fruit of the poisonous tree.

Very Truly Yours,
Melinda

Things I WISH I could say to clients, but really, really can't:

Client #1:
Me: I told you that you could only call outside your appointed time if there was an EMERGENCY! What did I tell you constitutes an emergency?

Client #1: Large Meteoroid, Severe Blood Loss and uh... what was the other one again?

Me: DEATH! And you are NOT dead, call back at your APPOINTED TIME!!!!!!!!!
(This exchange is thanks to the movie Two Weeks Notice)

Clients #2-7:
STOP BREAKING THE LAW AND YOU WILL STOP GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

Client #8:
Honestly, we cannot defend you properly if you LIE to us! HINT: We get paid either way (if you did it or NOT) so just tell us the truth, 'cause it's gonna come out in court ANYWAY!

Client #9:
Yes, you're getting divorced, yes it sucks, but clearly neither of you can keep your pants on, as evidenced by the fact that only ONE of your SEVEN children is ACTUALLY your husband's biological child. Suck it up, Zip it up, and MOVE ON!

Client #10:
Swallowing nearly a pound of drugs in front of an Officer during a routine traffic stop IS going to raise some flags for that Officer. And, yes, it will probably make you sick and yes, the officer will probably take you to jail, then the hospital... after he stops laughing.

Client #11:
Yes, living with your EX-spouse for 12 weeks AFTER your divorce has been finalized IS weird. So MOVE OUT!

Ah... boy that feels better!

The Adventures of a Paralegal....

I have to say, my job has certainly taken on a life of its own... I know most people blog about their kids and families, and I guess that's usually what I blog about. However, my job has taken a rather interesting turn in the last few months, so I thought I'd share a few of the more... interesting things about it.

Before I start my stories:

First, our other paralegal (I think she's a paralegal because of the work she does, she says the work she does isn't "real" paralegal work) does almost exclusively PI (Personal Injury) work. She is REALLY good at it too. I on the other hand, have a few PI cases but the majority (and I mean about 55%) of what I do is... hold onto your socks.... Criminal Defense. That's right... Criminal Defense.

Second, when I was going to school, I knew that it was a near innevitability to get thorugh my career as a paralegal without doing SOME form of criminal defense work. However, this REALLY stressed me out because I was certain that I would have some HUGE moral break down having to defend "criminals." I especially worried about how I would handle defending sex criminals, especially those accused of sex crimes against children. I just knew that I would freak out and not be able to work the cases, it actually kept me up at night!

Third, in opposition to popular belief Jail DOES NOT EQUAL Prison. The difference? Usually, the difference is whether or not you've been sentenced. If you are awaiting trial, you are in JAIL. If you have been CONVICTED, you are in PRISON. Please, keep in mind that when I tell my stories, these are people who have not been convicted of anything, and in more than one case (I believe) are actually, comopletely innocent.

SERIOUS STORY

Okay, keeping those things in mind... I have had to "visit" the Utah County Jail (pictured below) at LEAST once a week for the last 3 months. Why? Oh, because I have to keep our clients informed, which (about once a week) requires taking them documents, having them sign documents or getting sworn statements from them.

The first time I had to go to meet a client I was scared to death! I didn't know what to expect or to say other than "Hi, so... you're in jail, how's that workin' out for ya?" But, much to my surprise, every client I've met with has been impressively meek, honest, humble and most of all incredibly grateful. Every single one has been so appreciateve of the fact that we're willing to help them (even though it's for a reasonable fee). There's one particular client who is there for a sex offense, worse, against a child. I was terrified that I would meet him and unconsciously judge him BEFORE I met him. However, I sat and interviewed him for over an hour. When we were done, he looked me right in the eyes and said "You know, Melinda, in the 12 months since I was accused, you and Marshall (the Attorney) have been the only two people who have looked me in the eye and not had an accusatory look on their face, calling me a monster."

After I walked out of the jail that day, I got to my car and had an enormous wave of gratitude wash over me. First, because there's been nothing in my life that has made me appreciate my freedom more than visiting the jail on a regular basis. I catch myself thinking -- as I fold my laundry, watch my favorite TV shows, walk my dog or even make boring spaghetti -- that I am SO grateful that I have the FREEDOM to CHOOSE to do those things. What dinner to make, what shows to watch, when to do my laundry, not one of our clients in jail have that freedom. The gratitude I felt was also for the powers that be giving me the ability to NOT pre-judge this person. I cannot tell you how much I DESPISE those types of crimes. I have a very personal vendetta against child molestors. However, that day, I was miraculously able to meet with this man, hear his side of the story, and actually, truly, down to my core, BELIEVE what he said. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

FUNNY STORY

About three months ago, I had this bizzarre phone call... It was a man (I'll call him Mr. X), who said he needed a MALE (his emphasis, not mine) attorney and he needed some criminal defense for a misdemeanor. "Fine" I said and made the appointment. When this man came in, he would NOT look me in the eye. He just stared at the floor. So, he has his meeting with Marshall, during which he decides to retain our office. Since I am the only paralegal in the office who knows how to do criminal defense work, Marshall calls me in and introduces me to Mr. X.

Marshall then says "Mr. X, just so you're aware, the policy of client confidentiality applies to Melinda as well. Melinda, I know that in the course of most cases we provide the client with every SCRAP of documentation we have. However, for Mr. X's case, we will not be sending him ANYTHING, do you understand."

Me: "Of course, I understand."

Marshall: "Also, we will not be calling Mr. X at his home number, just call his cell phone, leave your name and say Witt & Associates and hang up the phone."

Me (with an inquisitive / weirded out look on my face): "Okay."

Marshall: "Thank you, could you please copy these for our file?"

Me: "Sure thing"

So, I take these documents in to copy them, one of which is the citation you are issued by the police (It looks very much like a traffic ticket). On it is very clearly printed "Patornizing a Prostitute." So... come to find out, Mr. X responded to a posting on Craigslist which, after reading it was pretty obviously for a prostitute. Like, I could see if you were dumb as a box of rocks that you might think it was for a sensual massage as Mr. X claimed... but really dude? A massage? Anyway... so, about two weeks later we get the police report and a copy of the SURVEILANCE TAPE! Oh dear... this guy, caught red handed in a sting operation and the first thing he told the cops: I'll sign a promise to appear if you don't tell my wife or my bishop. Sigh... that's not all, come to find out that he has a son on a mission, is a Stake Young Men's President... and.... WAIT FOR IT.... IS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR BY TRADE!!!!!

Sigh, I just couldn't stop laughing... what an idiot! So, to sum up the last few things my job has taught me:

1) Be grateful for your freedom to choose.

2) I am so relieved that I can look upon someone in jail, without judging them immediately.

3) Truth is funnier than fiction. If you don't believe me, pick up a few police reports, they make for entertaining reading!

Smiling at the small stuff....

Have you ever been in the middle of doing something (usually something that needs to be done, but truthfully isn't all that exhilerating) and had a mini-epiphany that something you see all the time and that most people would find mundane, makes you smile? I realized this week that there are several of these types of phenomena in my life, so I thought I'd share a few with you....

1. Dish-Soap Bubbles.... About once a week (usually on pasta night when we use the giant pot that's just ridiculous to put in the dishwasher) I wash a dish in the sink. Having been raised in a home where we always had a dishwasher, I never learned the proper amount of dish-soap to use for just one big pot... This type of ignorance usually results in those tiny little bubbles that float up and out of the sink and seem to linger in front of your face, just to make you smile!

2. Reading... since I have finished school, I discovered that I have OODLES of time to read! I have been reading, nay, devouring books that had been sitting by my bed for MONTHS in the "I want to read it, so I bought it, even though I have about 50 other books by my bed that I haven't read" pile. Here's a short list of the books I've read in the last 5 months:

Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn (those ones were easy, done in a weekend), I never promised you a rose garden, The Lord of the Rings (all three books in the "trilogy"), War and Peace (again), Eat, Pray, Love (again), Family: the ties that bind (and gag), In Our Defense, Until I Find You, The Full Collection of Robert Frost and Hamlet (again). I hope I get to the bottom of my pile some day... at this rate, it should take me.... about another year!

3. Ice crunching underneath your feet. I hate ice, and it's definitely not good for me to be walking on (see previous post re: my bad knees) but I LOVE the sound of ice just as it crunches under your feet. Whenever I hear that sound, I can't help thinking to myself "ha ha ha, take THAT winter!"

4. The face I get every night, when I get in bed, this I love most of all....

I'm not kidding, every night, this dog gets in bed (he sleeps with us... yes, the 99.7lb dobie sleeps with us) snuggles right up next to me and lays his nose directly across my chest. I am usually trying to read (see #2) and this annoys Hades, something fierce. So, he nuzzles his nose underneath my book and pushes it up, up, and away. He's usually not content until he hears me sigh, not-so-begrudgingly roll my eyes, place my bookmark in the pages and set the book aside for tomorrow. Then, he gives me this look and waits patiently for me to pet him.

Those, my dear friends, those are the small things that make me smile, all the time! What are yours?

And in not-so-recent news….

So... To recap the last few months I have a bunch of pictures... Also, work is going well, I still love my new job and am learning something new every day!!!

Craig (pictured on the right) is an AMAZING designer who works for 1-800 CONTACTS… Every year 1-800 does a Halloween Trunk-Or-Treat. At this last one, Craig put up this incredible spook-alley! It was really awesome! And because it was divided into "extra-spooky" and "not-so-spooky" Craig needed two different witches. He found his good witch easily enough but apparently could only think of me when it came to his scary witch… gee what a compliment! (Just kidding, I love dressing up like this for Halloween) So, even though I don't work there anymore, He called and asked if I would participate, I said that would be great!
Me and the "Good Witch" – I loved her tights!

Here are our pumpkins from this year… Jared isn't very into carving pumpkins, but I love it! Guess which one is Jareds?

And lastly for October… I just couldn't help doing this, even though I know it probably wasn't very fun for him….
November… aka Thanksgiving…
Jared and I had a BLAST in Idaho. We went up for Thanksgiving, two of his sisters live up there. Here Jared is dancing with one of our beautiful nieces!

My nephew Branden played piano while we cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I am amazed at how musical all of my nieces and nephews are, Branden is an especially accomplished pianist.

And of course, the Thanksgiving Day Nap!

The Great Spoons Tournament!

And Last but certainly not least… Christmas….
So, this first picture requires an explanation… About six months ago, while I was mopping our kitchen floor, my knee (the one I've already had surgery on) dislocated. No, I was not slipping, no I was not running, I was just standing… and out it went. So, I went to see a doctor at TOSH (The Orthopedic Specialty Hospital) who told me that I shouldn't walk anywhere more than 100 feet without wearing knee braces and that I should actually refrain entirely from running, skiing, tennis, basketball, hiking, soccer and soft/baseball. For those of you who don't know, I've had knee problems for 10+ years and had surgery on one to fix the constant dislocation issues I was having. During that first surgery, my surgeon noticed that I had scarring / osteoarthritis. So, when I saw the doctor at TOSH he said that although surgery is an option to fix the dislocation, nothing short of a complete knee replacement will fix the arthritis. The only thing that can help are pain meds and certain types of exercise to slow the spread / worsening of the arthritis, although nothing will make it improve, maintaining the damage that is already done is the best I can do… So… the doctor said that Swimming was better than an indoor bike, indoor bike was better than the elliptical, the elliptical is better than the treadmill, the treadmill is better than hard ground. SO… Jared got me an elliptical for Christmas… the rest of the pictures are pretty self-explanatory!

Here's my Grandma Ruth and Hades, I love that she was SO scared when we told her we were getting a Doberman, but now she just pats him on the head and calls him a "sweet dog!"

My nephew Ian and Hades, Ian LOVES Hades, he gives him hugs!

And for New Years, Jared and I stayed home and watched some movies, we just wanted to enjoy some time alone. But, my resolution is to lose some weight, use my elliptical at least 3x a week for 30 minutes each. And, a friend of mine (Kateka) had a wonderful blog post about all of her favorites and memories from 2009. One of the things she wrote about was things she was hopeful for in the new year…. I know it is depressing, but I am REALLY hoping that I won't have to go to a funeral this year. I've had at least 2 funerals a year for the last three years! I could really go a year without losing someone I care about… that would be nice. So… that's it… that's my long over-due blog post! Love you all and hope your holidays were great!