Unavoidable embarassment

As some of you may know, I am a primary teacher for church (ages 5-6). I have about ten kids in my class, all but two of which are usually angels. The other two, I'm pretty sure may grow up to be the next Bonnie & Clyde. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm going to call them during this post.

Anyway, these two were relatively quiet this week during singing time, largely due to the fact that "Bonnie" was blowing on "Clyde" all through singing time. Well, as anyone whose ever sat through a Singing and Sharing Time hour in the LDS Church will tell you, between singing and sharing time there is a 30 second gap where there's mostly just silence. This time is usually filled by sounds of shuffling papers and feet while the sharing time teacher is getting ready to speak. Well.... Yeah... these 30 seconds are the EXACT time that "Clyde" chooses to tell "Bonnie" (with enough volume, I'm sure the relief society across the hall heard it) "'Bonnie' STOP BLOWING ME!!!!"

Yeah... I don't think I've ever seen the Primary Presidency's (not to mention every teacher in the room, plus the chorister and the pianist) heads turn that quickly.

I nearly had to leave the room I was laughing so hard!

Screwing "Me"linda Over....

I often wonder if others out there have this problem. I seem to be an endless stream of dichotomies... For example:

About once a decade (no joke, that is almost the precise amount of time) I get a bizarre and totally inexplicable craving for.... Twinkies...




I know... **I am ashamed** of all things, right? Anyway, so, about once a decade, I get this bizarre craving. So, I have noticed that "At-The-Store-Melinda" somehow frequently screws over "At-Home-Trying-To-Eat-Good-Food-Melinda". And, sadly, whenever I unwrap these lumps of non-food, I am ALWAYS disappointed, somehow I remember them being better 10 years ago....

This is not the only time one of "me" screws another "me" over. This same thing happens almost every day with "Night-Time-Melinda" and "Morning-Melinda". "Night-Time-Melinda" doesn't seem to think that just a few more hours of staying awake is such a big deal... But, she has had this attitude since the day I was born and seems to truly have it in for "Morning-Melinda". So, innevitably, "Morning-Melinda" gets hosed 7 days a week. I don't think that this is a war that will ever be won.

Again, the same types of things happen with "Just-Worked-All-Day-And-I'm-Tired-Melinda" and "My-House-Is-A-Freakin'-Mess-And-I-Need-To-Clean-Melinda"

Also with "I-Need-To-Put-Money-In-Savings-Melinda" and "OH!-Those-Shoes-Are-So-Cute-AND-On-Sale-Melinda"

I'm not sure that I will ever attain true inner-peace... There's just too many Melindas in fighting my head!

You know you are a terrible person when....

When your own Mother tells you so! I just couldn't help myself today! I have this pact with my sister Karen, when I get pregnant, she will be the FIRST person I tell. So, this being April 1st, I text Karen:

"Okay so I always promised that you could be the first to know... How are we going to tell Jared?"


Then, I text my Mom:

"So... Just FYI... Ian is going to have a cousin come November 3rd."

(Yes, I was extra mean by including a very plausible due date)

**************Approximately 20 Minutes Later ***********

*Phone Rings, It's Karen*

Karen: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I've been screaming in my car!

Me: Kar

Karen (over the top of me): YAY I AM SO EXCITED, OMIGOSH,

Me: KAR!

Karen (over the top of me): HOW ARE WE GOING TO TELL JARED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE....

Me: KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know it's April Fool's right?

(Long Pause)

Karen: YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NEVER FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT, YOU ARE AWFUL! THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Karen: **Click**

******Approximately Another 20 Minutes Later **********

*Phone Rings, It's Mom*

Mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN MY BATHROOM FOR 20 MINUTES! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Me: Mom?

Mom (Over the top of me): WHY DID YOU TEXT ME THIS? WHY DIDN'T YOU DRIVE UP HERE AFTER YOUR APPOINTMENT!?!? DOES JARED KNOW?

Me: MOM!

Mom (Over the top of me): Yay! I will have two cute new Grandbabies this year! Oh, and they can play together!!

Me: MOM, MOM? MOM!?!?!?

Mom (Over the top of me): When can we go shopping! Oh, who have told? What is it? Oh, you don't know yet, too early!?!?

My little brother (in the back ground): MOM!?! What the heck are you screaming for?

Mom (to Andrew, my brother): MELINDA'S PREGNANT!!!

Andrew: CONGRATULATIONS MELINDA!!!

Me: MOM! Mom, you know that it's April 1st right?

(Long Pause)

Mom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! THAT IS THE MEANEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? MELINDA!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!

Andrew: What now?

Mom: It's April Fools!

Andrew: OH NICE ONE MELINDA!

Mom: THAT IS NOT NICE, IT IS TERRIBLE, MELINDA YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Mom: Seriously though, I thought "why would she text me this?" I was thinking "why wouldn't she just come here and tell me?" Just for the record, don't text me when you really do find out, tell me in person!

Me: hahahahahaha! Okay Mom! I gotta go back to work!

Mom: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOU ARE TERRIBLE, THIS IS NOT FUNNY, I AM REALLY MAD AT YOU!

Me: Didn't you know what day it is? C'mon?

Mom: NO I DID NOT! IT IS SPRING BREAK I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A CALENDAR TODAY!

Me: AWESOME!

Mom: NOT AWESOME! GOOD BYE!

**********Approximately 20 Minutes Ago **************

I get a text from Mom:

"MELINDA IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!!!! POOH ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



**************Approximately 10 Minutes Ago *************

Another text from Mom:

"I feel so inexplicably sad... for one brief shining moment I saw the face of a beatiful brown eyed boy.... sighhhhhhhhhhhhh."


************Just after reading that text*****************

Me: Sigh... no one can guilt-trip you like your own Mother.....


Happy April Fools Everyone!